Abandoned

I know, I haven't written anything in absolutely ages. I've been too upset. Daddy has gone on holiday to India today for a month! My friend Nina was going to come to stay to keep me company, but then she couldn't, so I've had to go to stay at another friend's house. It's ok I suppose, I have my own room which is nice, but I miss my house. And now I'm going to miss Daddy too.

Mewwwwwww.

I did try to persuade him not to go, I used all my cutest tricks, I cuddled his leg, I brought him toys in the morning, I joined him in the bath. But he's still gone. India! I don't even know where that is. I wonder if they have cats there?

I've been hiding a lot as I'm still not sure about this new place. I'm still eating though. No need to worry about me pining away to nothingness .... yet.

The dawn of a new era ...

Or the end of civilisation as we know it? I'm going to be pontificating a bit today.

Very worrying news from the banks yesterday, RBS shares just kept going down and down, biggest corporate loss in British history apparently. I was particularly concerned to learn that RBS is worth more than the whole British economy. How is that possible? Surely RBS is a part of the British economy ... especially as we own 70% of it.

I liked that the head of the new Lloyds Banking Group, which is made up of loads of other banks, said that actually it was a good thing that their shares had "only" fallen 30% on the first day of trading. That's like me saying that I "only" knocked one glass on the floor and not three.

I still blame the government. They should have regulated the banks better. They shouldn't have allowed them to create those bundled up assets which no-one understands.

I'm going off to watch the inauguration now. I'm still not sure about Obama. He is, after all, a dog person. All that stuff about a puppy for the White House ... chuh. I should live in the White House. I would match the paintwork and I bet I would never have to worry about food there. I'm going to write to him and suggest he adopts me.

Fat cat

Daddy laughed at my last post, he says I am too fat to be a model! He says I've been eating too many biscuits and my bottom's got really big. I don't think it looks that big, and anyway, it's all muscle.




me admiring my small, pert bottom.




In other news, Daddy felt sorry for me having to eat food from Lidl so I'm back on the proper cat food, phew. Those hours in front of the mirror practising my hurt, reproachful look clearly worked.

I know I'm supposed to be writing about the world economic meltdown, but I'm a bit bored with it at the moment. Maybe next week. In the meantime, I think my nascent modelling career is much more interesting.

working cat

After my last post I got to thinking what I could do to take more control of my life, to buy myself my own food and treats etc. I read the other day that some cats in Japan are rented out to people who don't have their own pets. I don't think I could do that though. Aside from the whole prostitution aspect to it, I hate people stroking me. People always see a cat and think that we want to be stroked, and maybe some needy cats enjoy it, but it really annoys me when a human rubs their grubby hands over my nice clean fur. I try to give them a quick nip to indicate that I don't like it, but then they just think I want to "play".

I am thinking of trying to get some modelling work instead, people always tell me how handsome I am and how pretty my white fur is. Here's one of my portfolio shots:










What do you think?

Lidl

The descent into humiliation has been slow, but steady. It's hard for me, being a cat, I don't have any control over my life, or more importantly, the budget spent on my food. First it was the biscuits (branded to supermarket). Then the food (pouches to tins). Now ... Daddy has started buying my food in Lidl. Lidl. I know it's becoming a bit trendy now to boast about money saved at Lidl or Aldi or Primark, but I don't care about trendy! I care about my food being made by a recognised cat food manufacturer. Or failing that, M&S, which as you all know, I love dearly.

It's very worrying. I'm started to worry about what will become of me, what if Daddy can't afford to look after me at all any more? That's what first inspired me to write this blog in the first place, hearing about people having to get rid of their pets because of the credit crunch. I've started practising for being a homeless cat.

Fortunately I know inside that it's never going to happen. Daddy's friends are always threatening to kidnap me, being so handsome and all, so I'm sure I'll find a home ... somewhere.

misplaced optimism

I think I was feeling prematurely positive yesterday about the economy. The drop in interest rates is just weird, it just makes it even harder for banks to make a profit by screwing over their customers. Poor banks. Apparently even more of them might be nationalised. I don't like the idea of Gordon Brown running everything. Maybe that's his evil plan, to destabilise the economy so much so that he can take it over and just be the most powerful prime minister ever?? He does have delusions of grandeur, he did talk about "saving the world, I mean, the economy", the other day.

I heard that the Government is considering propping up the economy by printing more money, which just sounds like madness. We are going to turn into Zimbabwe before we know it, with a can of cat food costing £50,000 or something.

Oh dear.

better

Sorry about my rant the other day, I'm feeling much better, Christmas is but a distant memory. My human (still not quite ready to call him Daddy again) is feeling a bit guilty and has been good, playing fetch with me lots and giving me little treats.

I'm also feeling less worried about the economy, maybe the worst is over? Or is that just my youthful naivety speaking? I was concerned that a big retailer would go under, but they all seem ok, and of course I'm relieved that M&S is ok (despite shutting lots of shops), I just love Marks and Spencers.

(That's me searching for my treats in a M&S bag)





Finally, who could be cross when there are such cute creatures as these in the world? Yes I know they are dogs, who are obviously evil personified, but these are white fluffy dogs so they are just about ok. I wonder if I could get some black spots and be a Dalma-cat?

Huh

I haven't written in a while because I've been so fed up. As you all know, I was really looking forward to Christmas, especially as it was my first one. But I had a dreadful time. My human (I am not calling him Daddy again until I forgive him, which may take a while) went to some friends' for Christmas and just left me on my own for two whole days and nights! I had enough food because he left me cat biscuits and also he used this horrid humiliating device which popped open a door when it was time for my next meal. Like I was .... I don't know. A fish or something. It was so frustrating knowing that the food was there and not being able to eat it, although I did spend some time trying to trigger the catch. To no avail.

It wasn't just the food thing, because I can't really control when my human feeds me at other times, although jumping up his leg and looking plaintive helps. I just felt so lonely! I went outside a few times to see if any of my little cat friends were around, but I suppose they were all with their families being pampered and overfed and napping by the radiator.

My human didn't even leave the TV on for me. He knows I like to watch television, particularly the news but I was also looking forward to the Eastenders Christmas special.

My human has been trying to make it up to me but I've been doing a LOT of sulking.

No happy news from the markets either. I'm not expecting the economy to start showing signs of improvement until 2010 now. I just think 2009 is going to be a really depressing year. Lots of retailers going out of business (I am predicting Debenhams to be the next biggy to go under) and redundancies and repossessions. And probably a reduction in my rations of cat biscuits ... and maybe even leftovers instead of my special cat food. And Gordon Brown spending even more money that he doesn't have on trying to prop up those banks that he didn't regulate properly.

A reprieve

Thank you to those of you who expressed concern about me ending up as Christmas dinner. Fortunately someone told my human that cat-meat isn't very nice to eat, although I'm sure I'd be very tasty - wait, no, um, yes, cat-meat very nasty. From what I've heard, it's the silly turkeys and geese that have it worst at this time of year. No loss there then.

Daddy is still being a bit mean though because he has docked my biscuits (yes, the horrid supermarket own-brand ones) for breaking a plate. It is so unfair. It's not my fault that the plate was on the edge of the table and fell off when I was walking by. Daddy says that I have to learn to be more careful and he can't afford to keep buying new things. Huh. I'm going to speak to my friend Nina about it, she's a lawyer.

Soon there won't be anywhere left to buy a plate anyway. I was reading today that loads more shops are going to go out of business in January, which is really scary. Although the article was based on a report by an insolvency firm, who must just love this sort of thing. I bet insolvency and business restructuring practitioners are all having a terrific Christmas, just praying that things get much worse next year. Vultures.

As long as Marks & Spencers doesn't go down the pan, that's my absolute favourite shop.

I am hoping from some treats from there for Christmas ... maybe the organic chicken terrine? Yum!

How many cat treats does $50billion buy?

Lots of depressing news today.

I watched an interview with John Varley, the head of Barclays, where Daddy banks. He seemed to have some interest in depressing the rest of us. He forecast a big rise in unemployment and a big fall in house prices. Obviously neither of these directly affect me as I don't have a job or own a house. But I will probably suffer the effects. For example, instead of my nice posh cat biscuits, I am now being fed supermarket own brand. Yuk.

It was funny that he was saying that banks should apologise for their behaviour when I didn't hear his apology for Barclays' contribution to the mess we are all in. Perhaps I missed it when I went to get a biscuit?

I also read about a big fraud that some New Yorker committed. Apparently he stole $50bn but I don't even know what that means. I need someone to explain that in cat terms. How many tubs of my favourite cat treats for example?

I assume more than enough to feed me and all my mates too. Perhaps all the cats of England? Perhaps ALL cats?? My little cat brain can't comprehend it.

Next week it will be my first Christmas! I am quite looking forward to it, I hope I get nice presents (I have asked Santa for this book), but Daddy has been threatening to put me in the roasting tin if his financial situation doesn't improve. Has anyone got the number for the RSPCA?

A death and two births

Still very cross about the whole tinned food thing. Daddy (my human insists that I call him that, which I think is weird quite frankly. I mean, he's not my daddy is he? He's not a cat. I suppose he does look after me though.) says it's the same food, just in a different packet. But I think it tastes different. Also a tin contains more than one meal, so Daddy puts a special plastic top on the tin ... oh it's just too awful.

I was very sad yesterday to learn of the death of the creator of one of my favourite celebrity cats, Bagpuss. I wanted to paint myself in pink stripes in commemoration, but Daddy hid the strawberry jam once I told him about my plan. I think I would have looked cool. Obviously I'm in much better shape than Bagpuss though. He was getting a bit saggy.

But there was happier news announced yesterday, the birth of two white lion cubs in Belgrade Zoo. How cute are they? They look just like me when I was little. White furry creatures rule!!

I didn't think things could get any worse, but they have. I've always had my food from pouches, it's the only way any self-respecting cat eats these days (my human always finds it hilarious that these pouches contain "kitten chunks", why is that funny?) but apparently I'm going to start having my food from tins. Tins! Tinned food. It's just too humiliating. I really hope this credit crunch thing is just a temporary thing rather than a new world order.

It's particularly galling because with the cut in interest rates the other day (so low! what is the point in interest rates when they are so low? maybe this is a new paradigm or whatever Robert Peston says. I'm not actually sure what paradigm means.) I thought we were doing better. My human is very lucky to have a proper tracker-rate mortgage and so every time interest rates go down, he pays less for our house! It's great. Apparently lots of naughty naughty banks don't pass on the saving to their customers, I just don't know how they get away with it.

Bad naughty banks. Actually I read somewhere that some banks are creating "bad banks" to get rid of their rubbish assets. Surely that's cheating? Ooh look, we bought some assets which we thought were going to make us lots of money and now actually they're more than worthless but we don't want our balance sheet to look rubbish ... ooh let's just create another bank and stick them all there, ooh aren't we clever.

Maybe next time I do something bad like go to the toilet in the bath and my human gets cross, I'll just say, that wasn't me, that was Bad Pixel.

It is very cold today. I am very glad of my nice warm fur, but won't be venturing outside while it's like this. Although I do miss sniffing the drains, which is one of my favourite things to do.

I've been worried today about a fellow white fluffy creature, Knut the polar bear. Apparently he is the latest celebrity victim of the credit crunch as his zoo can't afford him any more. It seems that being white, furry and handsome just isn't enough any more in today's tough economic climate, which should worry us all.

What if my human can't afford to look after me any more? I know my food is expensive but I think I provide excellent value in return. When he oversleeps I nibble his feet. When he's working I jump on the monitor and generally entertain him. When he's cold I give him cuddles.

Yup, I think I'm safe for the moment. I just hope that things don't get any worse .... who knows whether we've seen the worst of it yet.

My friend Nina has had to move in with her mum as she lost her job in the City and can't find a new one. It made me think about my mum. My human says that she lives nearby but I don't know where. I wouldn't want to move back in with her. She'd always be telling me not to climb on the table and eat all my dinner etc. Poor Nina. I hope her mum won't mind if she scratches the furniture.

I feel bad for Nina that she can't find a job. I offered her a job brushing my fur every day but she wasn't interested in cat biscuits as payment, even though I offered her 4 a day, which I think is quite a lot. I do think someone in her position shouldn't be so fussy.

Apparently we all own the Royal Bank of Scotland now, which is quite exciting. I like owning a bank, even if I have to share it. I definitely think they should put at least a couple of cats on the board as humans are clearly rubbish at running banks and everyone knows that cats are very careful and prudent creatures.

Things are getting really hard. Daddy says that he can't afford cat litter any more. Also Woolworths, one of my favourite shops, has gone out of business.

Apparently I have to go to the toilet in the garden now. What if it's cold? What if other cats are around? What if the nasty shouty dog next door watches??

Huh.